12.19.09
Terlambat dan Terjebak
Haah…inilah nasib jadi orang yg telat punya minat baca alias baru2 aja hobi baca. Mampusnya aku adalah ketika aku mulai getol2nya baca buku, malah pas akses ke bukunya susah. Rumah jauh dari persewaan buku, ga punya duit buat beli buku, kalo mo ke perpustakaan di kampus kakak2ku juga ga bisa sewaktu karena tanpa kartu keanggotaan kakakku aku ga bisa pinjem buku, haaiihh….Terakhir aku suka download e-books version dari buku2 yg aku incer…eh….komputerku rusak dan mungkin ga bakalan selamet lagi, akhirnya juga ga bisa baca e-books. Mampus….yah, harapan terakhir adalah pergi ke toko buku di mana bisa baca buku gratis (hehehehe tanpa harus beli maksudnya, bisa lho…), itupun ga bisa setiap waktu yg diinginkan. Huuuaahhhh!!!! Nasib….nasib…
11.24.09
Living a Lie
Have you ever been living a lie? Hal itu pernah ditanyakan oleh Oprah Winfrey di salah satu episode acaranya yg ngebahas tentang orang2 yg hidup dalam kebohongan. Dalam episode itu, ada beberapa orang2 yg diekspose sama Oprah yg menjalani hidup penuh kebohongan.
Yg paling aku inget adalah kasus seorang cewek sekitar tengah 20-an yg berpura2 hidup mewah hanya untuk bisa ngerasain gaya hidup para selebriti pujaannya. Dia sebenernya orang biasa yg ekonominya pas2an, tapi dia sok2an jadi orang kaya dan bergaya hidup mewah. Ia nekad utang sana-sini dan kredit gila2an cuma buat beli banyak gaun mewah dan perhiasan yg sama seperti yg dipake para selebriti top Hollywood. Intinya, sebenernya dia itu bukan orang kaya, tapi sok2an jadi orang kaya gitu. Dia bukan cuma membohongi dirinya sendiri, tapi juga udah membohongi teman2nya, dan orang2 di sekitarnya.
Aku kadang mikir, apa yg sebenernya dicari dari gaya hidup seperti itu? Bukannya lebih enak gitu hidup seadanya dan jadi diri sendiri? Bukankah lebih lega ngadepin kenyataan hidup sepahit apapun itu daripada hidup berpura2 dan harus menutupi satu kebohongan dengan kebohongan yg lain? Emang itu cewek bisa gitu jadi selebriti beneran hanya karena dia bisa punya semua gaun dan perhiasan yg sama dengan yg dipunya para selebriti? Bohong ma diri sendiri dan orang lain ga bakalan bisa ngubah apapun yg ada di hadapan kita, ya ga? Temen deketku pernah bilang, ”Kalo aku sih, yg penting ngadepin apa yg ada di hadapanku aja.”
Living a lie is hurt and tiring. Cuma orang2 lemah yg ga bisa ngadepin kenyataan dan ga percaya sama diri sendiri yg suka dan bisa hidup dalam kebohongan.
Well, you know what?? I’m off.
11.16.09
Vanilla Sky
credit to: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0259711/synopsis
David Aames (Tom Cruise) drives to work, he finds the streets of New York strangely deserted at rush hour. With growing unease he drives to Times Square and finds the entire city abandoned. He then awakens in his bedroom once again to realize he’s only been having a vivid dream.
Cut to: David in a jail cell describing a dream to Dr. Curtis McCabe (Kurt Russell), a psychologist who has been assigned to him. David has been charged with a murder he cannot remember, and he wears a mysterious pale mask. He and Dr. McCabe discuss the events that led to his eventual incarceration. Following the death of David’s father, he was given 51% ownership of his father’s publishing company. The rest of the company is owned by a board of directors that David disparagingly calls the “Seven Dwarfs.” Each of them believed that he was next in line to take over the company after David’s father died. David can have anything his heart desires, and nothing is beyond him.
On the night of his birthday party which also includes a conversation with a drunken Thomas Tipp (Timothy Spall), the company attorney and an old friend of David’s father, David considered firing Thomas for what he believes is his incompetence as an attorney, but he has a change of heart when Thomas makes a sad confession.
David’s best friend, Brian Shelby (Jason Lee), brings with him a girl named Sofia Serrano (Penelope Cruz) whom he just met at the library. Almost instantly, David and Sofia flirt with each other, almost completely ignoring Brian. However, Julianna Gianni (Cameron Diaz), a regular bed partner for whom David has no deep feelings, crashes his party. She stays distant but keeps a close eye on him the entire night. Once David realizes Julianna is there, he asks Sofia to pretend to engage in a deep conversation with him so that Julianna won’t come near him. David and Sofia end up hitting it off. David walks Sofia back to her place, where they stay up all night talking.
The next morning as David is getting ready to drive to work, Julianna drives up beside him asking how his night with Sofia was. Julianna makes David feel guilty about ignoring her and convinces him to get into her car. It quickly becomes apparent that she is obsessed with David. She starts driving recklessly, speeding through busy city streets, all the while insisting that she’s deeply in love with him and berating him for treating her so casually. Fearing for their safety, he tries to get her to stop the car by telling her that he loves her. She drives the car off a bridge in an attempt to kill them both.
Julianna did not survive the crash. David did, however, although his face and right arm are mangled, and he suffers blinding headaches due to the metal pieces holding his skull together. He spends a long time in isolation before deciding to take back control of his company and see Sofia again. She appears hesitant to be around him, and when they go on a date she brings Brian along. The date is a disaster as David drinks too much and makes Sofia increasingly uneasy around him. The three part ways at the end of the night, and David ends up passing out on a sidewalk. It is morning when Sofia wakes him up at that same exact spot and tells him that she will stay with him if he can get his act together. From that moment on, David’s life is turned around. His team of plastic surgeons is able to restore his face and he finds his soul mate in Sofia.
David’s new-found happiness is short-lived, however, when he begins hallucinating. He looks in the mirror to see his face once again disfigured. A mysterious man (Noah Taylor) turns up wherever he goes and tells David that he has the power to control the world. And one night he goes to bed with Sofia and wakes up to find himself with Julianna, who insists she really is Sofia. He grows violent, convinced that Julianna is alive and playing games with him. He is arrested and told by Tipp that he severely beat Sofia, but Tipp will have the case thrown out. Tipp shows David photos of Julianna with a bruised face, but everybody, including his best friend Brian, tells him that it was Sofia he attacked.
David breaks into Sofia’s apartment and finds that every photo he’d seen of Sofia is now of Julianna. Julianna attacks him thinking he’s an intruder but then apologizes while still insisting she is Sofia. She leaves the room and the actual Sofia returns in her place as if nothing unusual had happened. They begin to make love but while they are in the middle of the act he finds that he is making love to Julianna. In a fit of panic he suffocates her and then discovers he has just killed Sofia.
When David is finished telling Dr. McCabe his story he still can’t bring himself to believe that he killed anybody. Dr. McCabe, frustrated by David’s failure to tell him anything meaningful that might help his case, tells him that he can no longer help David and will try to argue for “temporary derangement”. This odd turn of legalistic phrase is just one of many clues that in this version of David’s world all is not what it seems. As Dr. McCabe leaves, David sees an infomercial for a cryonics company called “Life Extension.” This infomercial involving a dog that has been frozen and brought back to life has appeared at several points throughout the film. David is entranced by the commercial, and McCabe sees that there may be a connection between Life Extension and David’s amnesia.
Escorted by Dr. McCabe and the police, David visits Life Extension and realizes that he had signed on as a client. He had opted for an extra feature called the Lucid Dream. This allows cryogenically-frozen, clinically dead clients to experience an unending custom-made dream life with no memory of their physical death.
David realizes that he is now living in the Lucid Dream and that the mysterious man is his “Technical Support.” The Support Technician explains that the Lucid Dream was “spliced” into his memories at the point where he passed out on the sidewalk after his night out with Sofia and Brian. But the dream went awry and turned into a nightmare. Since nothing he experienced after the splice was real David realizes that he never murdered anybody. Dr. McCabe tells him that the guilt he felt for the way he treated Julianna may have caused his subconscious to merge Julianna and Sofia. But it turns out that Dr. McCabe isn’t real either; he’s just a character David created in his dream to be the father figure he always wanted. Most curious is the fact that Dr. McCabe seems to believe that he himself is real and only reluctantly comes to accept the truth (he had previously mentioned that he was going out with his two daughters for dinner after a session with David, but when The Support Technician asks him “What are their [your daughters'] names, Dr. McCabe has no response). Tech Support tells David that in reality, he never saw Sofia again, and that Thomas Tipp, the attorney that David considered firing in the beginning, had saved the company for David and helped him regain control from the board of directors. But David, suffering constant pain and depression following his disfigurement, committed suicide.
In the end, technical support reveals an upgrade to the software which allows David to either be reinserted into the lucid dream with no memory of the nightmare portion or to be awakened in the present time (which is 150 years after he was frozen) and live in the real world with a restored body. David chooses to be awakened in this future present realizing that everyone he ever knew will be long dead and his wealth will be worth far less. After one last lucid-dream rooftop exchange with Sofia in which she vows to “find you again” he leaps off the skyscraper. Multiple memory-images cascade frenetically through his mind as he falls. The final shot is of a brief whiteout (rather than the blackout) accompanied by the sound of a woman’s voice telling him to “open your eyes” and an extreme closeup of a single human eye opening and staring into the camera.
“I should’ve known from the very first time…It’s all my own fault.”
09.14.09
Kompetisi dan Realita
Hmm…it’s been two months since I’d done my last education stage, and two weeks since I’d graduated…I’m now officially a job seeker, applying and waiting for some jobs (please note: the kind of job that I want!). Intinya, sekarang masih dalam status pengangguran yg ngelamar kerjaan dan nunggu panggilan (kalo emang IYA dipanggil!!).
Tapi ada dua hal yg lagi aku pikirin. Yup, kompetisi ma realita, tepatnya…kompetisi dan realita dalam dunia kerja. Kompetisi buat ngeraih posisi terbaik dan ngedapetin hasil yg terbaik, dan realita di mana dunia kerja itu sama aja ma dunia kriminal!! Cuma bedanya, di dunia kerja, si penjahat ga bakal dihukum penjara. Say…aku mungkin mang katak dalam tempurung, dan sekarang aku harus siap buat ngadepin semua itu once aku dah masuk ke dunia kriminal di luar sana.
Masalahnya, aku masih belum tahu bisa sekuat apa aku. My friend said that I’m tough, but I don’t really think so. Nginget ujian skripsi pas aku dibantai ma para penguji aja aku masih trauma ampe sekarang! Patah hati aja bisa ampe berhari2 ga sembuh2! Oke, sekarang sih udah ga ya, tapi tetep aja pas masih kemaren2 itu…aku bisa mengharu-biru ampe berhari2, lamenting myself with those favorite broken-heart songs of mine. Kadang aku juga mikir, dulu waktu papa ga ada aku bisa kuat bukan karena aku kuat, tapi karena emang sejak kecil aku ga begitu deket ma almarhum papa.
Haahh….di sisi lain kadang aku berusaha buat berpikir positif tentang diriku sendiri. Mungkin, semua hal yg ngebebani aku selama ini, fakta2 di mana aku selalu ketiban hal2 buruk yg ternyata semua ga berjalan seperti yg aku inginkan (karena itulah aku sering iri ma orang lain) diberikan Allah karena Dia tahu kalo aku bisa kuat ngadepin semua itu. Contoh, pembantaian pas aku ujian skripsi. Aku ketiban sial karena dapet pembimbing yg ga sesuai ma proposal skripsi yg aku ajukan, dan akhirnya aku harus ganti topik. Ganti topik pun, sang pembimbing tetep aja ga punya kapabilitas yg mumpuni buat nanganin skripsiku dan akhirnya aku harus kerja sendiri selama 5 bulan tanpa arahan yg jelas. Alhasil, pas ujian aku dibantai habis2an ma para penguji. Tapi aku tetep dapet nilai bagus waktu ujian skripsi karena para penguji tahu kalo aku punya pengetahuan dan kapabilitas yg mumpuni dalam skripsiku sendiri. Jadi, istilah GR-nya ya (yah beneran…anggep aja aku GR), para penguji akhirnya ngasih aku nilai bagus karena mereka tahu aku pinter, dilihat dari penampilanku pas ujian itu.
Tapi ya…itu tadi, aku masih belum tahu aku bisa sekuat apa di dunia kerja nanti. Aku masih belum punya bayangan, ntar akhirnya aku kerja di mana dan bakalan dibantai seperti apa. Aku cuma bisa berusaha dan siap2 dari sekarang.
08.17.09
Ambisi + Nekad = Dudul
Sebenernya, buat memenuhi ambisi memotret dan ningkatin kemampuan motret meski dengan dana terbatas a.k.a kemampuan finansial seadanya alias cuma bermodalkan kamera sederhana atau yg layak disebut sebagai kamera HP yg masih VGA (sumpe, aku cuma bisa afford itu doang! nasib orang melarat sih….), aku punya rencana jalan2 keliling kota bareng temen deketku sama keliling Jogja bareng temen deketku yg lain. Intinya, dengan keliling kota aku berharap bisa dapet obyek2 yg keren banget buat difoto. Tapi nasib (sekali lagi, ga bisa ditolak!) berkata lain, maka rencanaku keliling kota ma temen deketku batal dan temen deketku yg lain ga bisa nemenin aku keliling Jogja. Tapi aku tetep keukeuh buat cari obyek2 yg bagus buat difoto, alhasil aku akhirnya mutusin ngambil gambar di…MALL!!! Bukan, bukan di dalam mall-nya, tapi di lantai parkir paling atas a.k.a lantai 5 di mana ga ada siapa2 kecuali seorang satpam yg…(I’ll tell you later on J ).
Nah, dengan modal nekad, sok teu, dan tanpa pengetahuan yg cukup mengenai kalimat ”dilarang memotret di gedung” (kalimat ini sebenernya mengandung artian termasuk di atas gedung!), aku akhirnya ngajak kakakku foto2 di atas lantai 5 yg sepi nan sunyi senyap itu. Aku dapet beberapa gambar keren termasuk pemandangan kota Solo dari atas. Terus-terang, aku udah lama mikirin ide ini karena terinspirasi foto2 kota Munich di Jerman yg aku liat di flickr.com di mana kota tersebut difoto dari atas pada malam hari ketika langit gelap dan diterangi oleh lampu2 gedung yg bikin kota Munich jadi keliatan KEREEEENNNN…. banget!!!!! Nah, untuk versiku ini aku terpaksa motret kota Solo dari atas pas siang hari karena keadaanku sekarang bikin aku ga mungkin keluar malem2 ke mall. Padahal kota Solo pas malam hari kalo difoto dari atas, hasilnya bakalan ga jauh beda alias sama kerennya ma kota Munich di malam hari. Tapi yah, mo gimana lagi?? Anyway, hasilnya lumayan kok. Warna biru langit dan hamparan rumah plus gedung bertingkat bikin gambarnya cukup menarik.
Oke, mari kita lanjut ke cerita tentang satpam tersebut. Ambisiku yg ga kenal ampun dan kurangnya pengetahuan seperti yg udah aku utarakan di atas, bikin aku harus ketemu seorang satpam dan terjadilah percakapan di bawah ini pas aku mo motret gedung Solo Paragon yg udah setengah jadi dari suatu sisi di lantai 5 itu.
Satpam : Maaf Mbak, ga boleh foto2 di sini.
aku : Apa? Gimana, Mas?
satpam : Maaf Mbak, ga boleh ngambil foto di sini. Wartawan aja ga boleh, Mbak.
kakakku : Oh, dia bukan wartawan kok, Mas. Dia cuma mau foto2 di sini aja. (*thanks banget ya, sister…but it didn’t help, trust me!)
aku : Kenapa ga boleh, Mas?
satpam : Takutnya ntar ketahuan kamera CCTV, Mbak. (*oke, kalimat ini bikin aku berasa kayak teroris / perampok yg punya rencana jahat!)
aku : Ohh…..(*dengan pasrahnya plus dongkol juga lantaran alasan yg diajukan ga nalar sama sekali)
kakakku : Tapi kita cuma mau moto pemandangan luar dari sini, Mas.
satpam : Ya udah. Sebentar aja ga pa-pa. Tapi cepet ya Mbak, supaya ga ketahuan.
aku : Ah, ya udah. Ga usah aja deh, Mas. Makasih.
BAH!! Akhirnya aku pergi tanpa sempat (sebenernya pengen sih tapi udah lemes & dongkol duluan) motret gedung Solo Paragon yg setengah jadi, yg aku yakini bakalan keliatan nyeni banget kalo difoto. Nah, sampe bawah, anehnya dan ajaibnya, ada orang yg juga lagi motret sana-sini pake kamera poket tanpa digangguin ma satpam yg jelas2 juga ada di situ. DUDUL.
08.11.09
Resiko
Segala sesuatu pasti ada resikonya, tapi aku ga nyangka kalo resiko bukan cuma dateng dari apa yg kita perbuat ato kita omongin. Tapi ternyata resiko juga datang dari keadaan yang tidak memihak kita, alias…resiko juga datang dari ketidakberuntungan kita. Dan aku baru ngalamin hal itu…berkali2.
Aku cuma ngejar satu hal, wisuda di bulan September supaya aku bisa ngejar cari kerjaan at least sebulan setelah wisuda. Ternyata keadaan ga memihakku, tapi aku memberanikan diri ngelawan arus dan sampar sana-sini demi mendaftarkan wisuda bulan September. Hasilnya?? GREAT!!! Aku harus nanggung resiko dibilang egois sama dosen pengujiku karena dianggap ga menghargai masa duka dia (padahal aku ga bermaksud, sumpah!), nanggung resiko juga ngadepin pegawai TU yg sengit banget kalo udah liat aku karena aku langganan dateng ke mejanya dia buat tanya apa pak PD 1 yg sedang tamasya ke Cina itu dah pulang apa belom, nanggung resiko dimarahi petugas pendaftaran wisuda karena foto yg ga sesuai dan tudingan bahwa aku ini suka banget pake alasan lupa, padahal kenyataannya emang lupa beneran gara2 waktu yg mepet bikin aku keburu2 dan akhirnya ga bisa mikir jernih.
Haahhh….aku sekarang bener2 pasrah ngadepin semua tudingan orang. Misalnya: wah lulusnya cum laude tapi dudul, ato lulusnya cum laude eh tapi otaknya jongkok ga ada alasan lain kecuali lupa, wah mbaknya ini lulusnya cum laude tapi ternyata ga bisa ngapa2in, wah cum laude tapi ga ngerti ada orang lagi sedih.
Yah…yah…yah… WHATEVER!!!!!! Aku udah capek mikirin semua keadaan yg ga memihak ini dan gimana harus nangkalinnya. Aku harap semua urusanku cepet selese besok karena aku udah ga kuat lagi ngadepin semua masalah ini dan, tentunya….tudingan orang lain. I’m so tired and sick of it.
08.03.09
Belum Habis
Masih belum habis tantangan, halangan, hadangan, dan masalah yg melewati perjalananku buat mengakhiri semua ini. Ada saja hal2 yg terjadi di depan mata dengan kesabaran yg sudah hampir habis pada titik kulminasi.
Untungnya, alhamdulillah, Allah selalu membantu dengan menghadirkan orang2 yg cukup membantu dalam semua proses ini. Semoga saja semua bisa segera selesai dan berakhir, paling tidak hari Jum’at minggu ini. Aku sudah terlalu lelah hingga tak bisa berpikir apa2 lagi. Sungguh.
07.30.09
Totally Dull
I’m so tired knowing that all these goddamned things can’t finish quickly!!!
I can’t even think anymore…
I’m so crazily exhausted to do even one more thing!!
Please help me, God….
Please….
07.28.09
Tired, Exhausted, Unperfect
I’ve been full of this things. I quit. I wanna quit it soon. It’s the last stage of my education life and I can only realize that I’m so tired, exhausted but in fact…all the things I’ve done are just unperfect. I lost my idealism, I lost the way I wanted it to be. It’s not what I wanted exactly, it’s not quite like that.
What the hell did I want actually?? I saw some sort of perfection, geniusness, and originality in my future sight. But then I only get something which is not like that. It’s not perfect, not genius, not original…It’s just all the same. I can’t explain but it’s just not what I wanted.
Perhaps, I should’ve not done this. I should’ve made something else other than this. I must’ve been so in hurry that the only thing I could see is that I have no time anymore. I could only think that I had to finish it soon before running out of time and money. And at the end….I have nothing but this… Nothing but this unperfection. Nothing but this fault.
I don’t know what to do anymore. What’s my next plan, I seem don’t care. Looking at what I’ve done, taking another stage of formal education will be so shamful for me. You know, I did nothing but doing the same as the others. But if not, I will be hurt so much since I got a target to reach.
My life has been so full of emptiness and now I got another. I don’t know when this emptiness will end. I don’t know when I can get a great thing for myself.
07.17.09
Hal2 yg Terjadi, The Last Part
July 16, 2009…the worst day of my life. And I’m done.
I was the victim of the education system in my place. They gave me the one who should’ve not been my supervisor. They missunderstood what I was gonna do. It was all wrong from the very first time, it was all wrong and I couldn’t nothing.
They judge me, laugh at me, made a fool of me like I didn’t know at all about what I was doing, what I made. I didn’t let me say a word, the one who’s supposed to do so even didn’t say a word.
They were very successful in fooling me, of course… I had NO ONE to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right!! I didn’t even have NO FUCKING ONE telling me that my analysis was GOD-DAMNED WRONG!!! One of them questioning my feminism theory, but YOU’RE THE ONE who suggesting me to do so, I’m sorry…????!!!
Of course they wouldn’t like to blame. This is the system in my place in which it says:
1. your lecturers are never wrong
2. if they’re wrong, back again to number 1.
I know I can never blame on anyone. I know that it’s your right, your supremacy, YOU SO-CALLED LECTURERS!!!
I worked it all by myself. I stood on my own.
It’s not about you and your thesis that you the only one who knows it, it’s only about them…they only, THE LECTURERS!!
